Maximillian Laumeister
Illustration of Miku the bird-fox shouting through a megaphone while flying in the sky

Dear Spammers...

satire tech

Pile Of Mail by Judith E. Bell

(Author Note: This piece is a one-off satirical rant, it’s not indicative of the topics or writing style of the rest of my blog.)

Dear Spammers,

I do not want you to redesign my website. I do not want you to make my website mobile-responsive. I do not want you to build a mobile app for my website. I do not want you to send me a No Obligation Audit Report. I do not want you to improve my website’s SEO. I do not want to Be On The 1st Page of Google. I do not want to republish your blog post on my website. I do not want to enter into a Content Marketing Partnership. I do not want to promote your Archiving Tool For PC on my article about the video game Tribes Ascend.

I do not want to purchase pandemic supplies at a reasonable price. I do not want to purchase an infrared thermometer with a Smart Chip And 32 Units Memory Array. I do not want to purchase ISO9001-certified PCB boards for my CCTV system, and though I am flattered by the offer, I do not want to visit your factory in Shenzhen, China. I do not want to purchase Hot Colors for my Quartz Stone Countertop. I do not want to make a 30% down payment on a coffee table from Italy. I do not want to purchase calcine bauxite for my blast furnace. I do not want to purchase a molecular sieve, zeolite, or garnet water filter or biogas digester. I do not want to claim my Amazon Christmas Rewards. I do not want a New Custom Fitted Suit in Southern California.

I am not interested in your Intuit Users Contact List that includes Name, Title, Email, Physical Address, and SIC Code. I am not interested in your Attendees List of Canadian Mechanical and Plumbing 2020. I am not interested in taking on a 95% LTV non-recourse loan with 5% interest rate per annum. I am not interested in your Life Time Changing Project which You Know Concerns Me. I am not interested in Turning My Computer Into a 24x7 Money Generator.

It’s unfortunate but I will need to default on all of my invoices. I am unable to pay the invoice due for my AWS and SendGrid accounts that I haven’t used since 2016. I am unable to pay the invoice due for the electric tools that I never received, ordered, or ever shopped for.

It’s unfortunate that my MailGun account, Gmail account and ProtonMail account will be shut down if I do not confirm my personal information. It’s unfortunate that my package from Glenn Incorporation is stuck at your distribution facility in Canada. It’s unfortunate that the files I’ve received on WeTransfer will be deleted on Feb 15, 2020. It’s unfortunate that my Mandrill account has Poor Account Reputation. That’s all something that I will have to live with.

I am not a Good Entrepreneur In My Country. I am not an Agent, Business Broker or Marketer. I am not an Investor Looking To Participate In An Approved Share Purchase Plan With No Commissions. I am Max. I don’t know exactly what that means, I’m still trying to figure that out too.

I do not want Все виды курсов обучения. I do not want 包容原则.

Dear Mark Jones, I am sorry that my domain’s DMARC policy prevented you from sending emails to your friends, addressed from markjones@maxlaumeister.com. Dear spammers with web scrapers, I am sorry that I haven’t set up that mailbox to receive the spam emails that you will start sending to that address once this article is published.

Dear World Health Organization, I am not interested in your latest tips to stay immune to Covid-19 that you sent me in the form of a zipped PDF file from a .com domain that looks like random gibberish.

Sincerely,
Maximillian Laumeister

P.S. Yes, every one of these is based on a real, actual email that I’ve received in my spam box (names changed to protect the guilty).

Finally: Dear Google, please go gentle on my website for publishing this page that’s 95% spam keywords.

Photo Credit: Mail Photo by Judith E. Bell

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